Helpless, But NEVER HOPELESS by Moll French

Helpless But Never Hopeless.

It seems like a whole other lifetime ago, that I was stood in a supermarket, my face burning with humiliation. I’d had tins of food thrown at me amongst other things that littered my hair, yet I remember so vividly how the public stood and stared at me. Faces of pity, faces of judgement.

Public humiliation was only the half of it. Behind closed doors, I was frequently subjected to vicious sexual attacks and batterings by my abuser.

How had I gotten myself into this situation? I had no support network from the outset. I was the product of a broken family. A family who were emotionally, (and often physically) abusive.

When I found the man that would become my abuser, (or rather, he found me as is often the case) I was desperate for some stability - a father figure even.

He persuaded me to move miles away from everything I knew, with the promise of a better life. I was sixteen years old, emotionally immature and naive.

I quickly became isolated from everybody I knew, though my abuser manipulated me into thinking this was my own doing, that I was making decisions for myself. Sadly this wasn’t the case.

I carried an overbearing burden of guilt and shame everywhere, unaware that my abuser had projected it on to me.

“It’s your fault that this happens.” He’d say, “It’s you who needs to change and start showing me some respect.”

Respect? Do these people confuse respect with power? Respect is earned, not ripped from somebody’s spirit. Do they feel they can gain respect by physically and emotionally beating a person down?

I feel this is more about power and control. Without power – these people lose control.

Is it ever the victim's fault? No.

Everybody has a right to a healthy happy life, hopes and dreams, and to set a good example to our future generations. An existence free from fear

I was malnourished, regularly covered in bruises, and wore a contorted expression of fear and suffering. Like many victims of abuse, I was completely dependant on my abuser. He controlled and restricted everything: food, adequate clothing, money – me.

It is incredibly difficult to find inner strength when you’re constantly ridiculed and abused. But don’t for a moment believe that you don’t have it lurking within you.

You may feel worthless to the point where you’re convinced people won’t believe you even if you spoke out about it. There are many, many excellent organizations,with fully trained staff, who are waiting to help in the many ways that they can. Often they are volunteers and have been in similar dangerous situations.

You have not failed and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are the unfortunate target of a person blinded by their own needs.

It is bullying. We’ve seen it in the playground and many of us unfortunately experience it far into adulthood too.

I was victim, not only to my abuser, but to my own self-doubt, shame and guilt. The idea of going it alone terrified me, yet it was a safer choice. The uncertainty hindered me for a short time.

I was fearful that I was walking into another situation blind and self-doubt was holding my hand.

I slowly found rational thought, by this point the only privacy I had left were my own thoughts, however he tried to distort them. I began to realise how incredibly dangerous my situation was.

I stared at my own reflection and saw two and a half years of damage and realised that he was capable of completely destroying me if I stayed any longer.

Resentment slowly became a stronger emotion than fear and it wasn’t long before my abuser became no more than an obstacle in my life. I knew that once I could break away from him, that I could press on with my own life. I set myself little goals at first to restore my self-belief and soon my confidence came back little by little. My hopes for the future sustained me whilst I put all of my affairs in order.

I could finally see the vicious circle I had been caught up in. I could see he was draining me like a leech, sucking the very life from me and I was feeding him. He had manipulated and brainwashed my young mind into thinking I had contributed to the mess.

“Without power, there is no control.” I told myself, and one day I completely took the power and control away from him because I left.

Though I’d been planning it for some time, the actual event took even myself by surprise.

I waited until I knew he would be out and I left, knowing I’d never have to return. Every step forwards I took that day, shook the burden of guilt and shame a little more from my back. I felt lighter and my head was clearer than it ever had been.

I often think back to events like the one in the supermarket. The memory no longer fills me with dread and shame, it merely exists as a warning and a grisly lesson learned.

Many people who know me now,  know nothing of how my life used to be. They mostly see a strong, dependable person.

We are all born innocent into this world. It is nobody’s right to control us and make us suffer. We should be free to smile genuinely, laugh as loud as we like and grieve when we need to, all without fear.

I sincerely hope that if you’re reading this and are stuck in a similar situation, please believe that it does get better and easier.

Life is for living – not existing.

We @ Readers' Muse thank Ms.French for taking time to write for us. We look upon her as an inspiration and her life experience has taught us a valuable lesson!

Moll French was born in Leicestershire, UK.

Her debut book is a memoir detailing her life as a victim of abuse and grooming. She exposes the reality of life with her abuser, and the dysfunction of a large family than never accepted her.

She is currently working on her second book, Sin & Bones.

A keen musician, Moll can often be found at live music events writing gig reviews for an online magazine.

She lives with her partner, two children and evil cat called Clarice.